Dear Jermaine Jackson

Words cannot express my utter horror at the name you just gave your new baby. I never put you in the same boat as your brother Michael and sister LaToya but I may have been really really wrong about you.

Could you just take two minutes to explain to me what kind of drugs you were on when you thought "Jermajesty" is a good name for a kid? And that the kid won't get beaten senseless every 15 minutes at school, and won't require years and years of expensive therapy?

Are you actually trying to one-up your brother for naming his son "Prince"? Cause while I think that's a stupid name too, at least he's not the first to have the name. But Jermajesty? Dear Lord, I have goose pimples just thinking about it.

But historically you've had trouble naming babies. I don't know if anyone bothered to tell you, but the name of your older boy, Jafar? Well, Jafar is a bad guy. Historically, people tend to stay away from naming innocent little babies after BAD GUYS. Oh well, maybe it will all work out. When the kids are all afraid to mess with Jafar he can step in and protect is little brother's lunch money.

But please, next time, call me first.

Ice Cream Man

Martha Stewart

Susan from Survivor

US Mint

Mass Highway Dept

Tinky Winky

Monica Lewinsky

Jermaine Jackson

My Lawn

Yours,

The Fine Folks at the Big DumpTruck