Tag: still-life

Joan: We have a real treat today, everyone’s favorite Pokemon, Pikachu!

Pikachu: Pika Pika!

Joan: What?

Pikachu: Pika Pika!

Joan: I’m sorry, what?

Pikachu: Pika?

Joan: Is this a joke?

Pikachu: Pika! Pika Pika!

Joan: Um. Right. Sure. Okay.

Pikachu: …

Joan: So there you have it…Pikachu! Thanks for stopping by!

Pikachu: [mumbles] Pika.

Joan: It’s a happy day here in Joanville – we have McDonald’s new Fruit & Walnut Salad!

Fruit & Walnut Salad: Hello!

Joan: I just want to jump right in here with a question, because that’s what I do best, right?

Fruit & Walnut Salad: Go right ahead.

Joan: What the hell is a Fruit Buzz(tm) ?

Fruit & Walnut Salad: It’s what you get after eating one of me!

Joan: But what *is* it? Is there some chemical additive involved? Is it legal?

Fruit & Walnut Salad: No, no, it’s just a natural feeling of euphoria one gets after eating a Fruit & Walnut Salad. We call it a Fruit Buzz(tm)

Joan: Really.

Fruit & Walnut Salad: Sure! And any meal is a great time for a fruit buzz(tm)!

Joan: But you’re just apple slices and grapes and a little container of vanilla yoghurt.

Fruit & Walnut Salad: Don’t forget the candied walnuts!

Joan: I hate walnuts. So if I go home and pull out an apple and some grapes and a container of yoghurt, I’ll get a homemade fruit buzz(tm)?

Fruit & Walnut Salad: You’d need candied walnuts.

Joan: Okay, for the sake of argument, I’ll throw in sugar encrusted walnuts. Now can I get a self-induced buzz?

Fruit & Walnut Salad: No, it’s only available at McDonalds.

Joan: For less than $3 a throw. Because you’re saying there’s nothing extra in it.

Fruit & Walnut Salad: No, you need our salad.
Joan: Because I’m just saying, it’s only apples and grapes….

Fruit & Walnut Salad: …and walnuts…

Joan: Screw the walnuts!

Fruit & Walnut Salad: Hey, hey, I’m a family-friendly Ronald McDonald-approved product, ma’am. We do not screw walnuts.

Joan: I’m sorry, I guess I forgot to get a buzz on before you got here. Lean over so I can grab some apples…wait, where are you going?

Fruit & Walnut Salad:

Joan: Well, thanks to our friend the Fruit & Walnut Salad for helping us understand the Fruit Buzz(tm).

Joan: It’s a happy day here in Joanville – we have McDonald’s new Fruit & Walnut Salad!

Fruit & Walnut Salad: Hello!

Joan: I just want to jump right in here with a question, because that’s what I do best, right?

Fruit & Walnut Salad: Go right ahead.

Joan: What the hell is a Fruit Buzz(tm) ?

Fruit & Walnut Salad: It’s what you get after eating one of me!

Joan: But what *is* it? Is there some chemical additive involved? Is it legal?

Fruit & Walnut Salad: No, no, it’s just a natural feeling of euphoria one gets after eating a Fruit & Walnut Salad. We call it a Fruit Buzz(tm)

Joan: Really.

Fruit & Walnut Salad: Sure! And any meal is a great time for a fruit buzz(tm)!

Joan: But you’re just apple slices and grapes and a little container of vanilla yoghurt.

Fruit & Walnut Salad: Don’t forget the candied walnuts!

Joan: I hate walnuts. So if I go home and pull out an apple and some grapes and a container of yoghurt, I’ll get a homemade fruit buzz(tm)?

Fruit & Walnut Salad: You’d need candied walnuts.

Joan: Okay, for the sake of argument, I’ll throw in sugar encrusted walnuts. Now can I get a self-induced buzz?

Fruit & Walnut Salad: No, it’s only available at McDonalds.

Joan: For less than $3 a throw. Because you’re saying there’s nothing extra in it.

Fruit & Walnut Salad: No, you need our salad.
Joan: Because I’m just saying, it’s only apples and grapes….

Fruit & Walnut Salad: …and walnuts…

Joan: Screw the walnuts!

Fruit & Walnut Salad: Hey, hey, I’m a family-friendly Ronald McDonald-approved product, ma’am. We do not screw walnuts.

Joan: I’m sorry, I guess I forgot to get a buzz on before you got here. Lean over so I can grab some apples…wait, where are you going?

Fruit & Walnut Salad:

Joan: Well, thanks to our friend the Fruit & Walnut Salad for helping us understand the Fruit Buzz(tm).

Joan: Continuing “Let’s Get Healthy” Month here in the Interviews, we welcome treadmill!

Treadmill: Thank you so much! It’s a pleasure to be here.

Joan: You enjoy interviews?

Treadmill: Frankly, you’re the first.

Joan: Well isn’t that something! I can’t imagine that you don’t have a lot to say.

Treadmill: I think that’s part of the problem. I have a lot to say, and most people are afraid I’ll say it.

Joan: What are they afraid of?

Treadmill: That I’ll dish their dirt. Shameful secrets. Name names.

Joan: Name names?

Treadmill: Oh ya. A treadmill sees a lot, you know. If we’re in a health club, watch out. I could turn your hair gray. And then the home treadmill isn’t blind either. Lots going on behind closed doors, if you know what I mean.

Joan: Can you give us a taste?

Treadmill: You sure?

Joan: Very sure.

Treadmill: Well, down at the health club, I can tell you that a certain married man scopes out the babes on the ellipticals and chats them up later, offering dinner and drinks to the gals with the tightest asses. And Thomas Berreault doesn’t wipe me down after his run.

Joan: Never?

Treadmill: Never. Oh, and a Mrs. C. Alpern of Vermont Ave weighs 40 pounds more than she says she does.

Joan: No!

Treadmill: Oh yes. I know she enters 140 when programming me, but that’s 180 pounds of woman right there.

Joan: This is incredibly enlightening!

Treadmill: Can I have time to say one more thing to your readers?

Joan: The floor is yours!

Treadmill: Please people, I’m not a closet. Get your damned clothes off me. I’m tired of holding your bras and ties. I’m a highly sensitive and advanced piece of health equipment. If you don’t cut the shit, I swear, everything else we seen in your bedroom gets out on the internet.

Joan: Thanks for the warning, I’ll get right on that.

Treadmill: Please do.