Posted in Uncategorized

No Soup for You

According to ABC News, Venezuela made the worlds’ largest pot of soup. That’s fantastic. I’m a little ashamed that I didn’t think of it first. 3960 gallons of soup, that was. They claimed it was enough to feed 60-70,000 people. That’s crap load of people. Let’s do the math, shall we?

For 60,000 people, 15 folks would share a gallon of soup, give or take. We should round up, because there are 16 cups in a gallon. So I went and poured a cup of water into a bowl. Alright, that’s not bad. But really, what if it’s my favorite soup? A cup isn’t bad, but do you think I’m going to the end of the line of 59,999 other people to try to get seconds? No way.

Share
Posted in Uncategorized

Oh My Good Lord, He’s Psychic!

Mr. Dump is.

Remember a long time ago I wrote about how he faked everyone at TGI Friday’s out by saying a story on the TV was about drug-sniffing bees? And we all got a good laugh when he said he’d made it up?

There’s a story on Gizmodo today about a device people are using along with bees trained to sniff drugs. Or bombs. Or bad novels.

Holy crap, someone must have read my website last February and decided to make this idea a reality. I should sue these people and make a lot of money! Go me! And go Bees!

Share
Posted in Uncategorized

Me and My Wide Stance

Senator Craig says he has a wide stance, and that’s why when he sits on the toilet in a men’s room, his foot goes all the way under the door and touches the foot of the person sitting next to him.

I have to tell you, I tried to do this at work (the other stall was empty) and I almost fell off the toilet.

I am starting to think that maybe, just maybe, Senator [as of this minute] Craig may just be creating what we at the Dump House like to call “a story.” Every once in a while Junior tries to pass off a story to cover up whatever he is doing/has done and my standard response is “do I look stupid to you?” That’s the point where he comes clean.

I’m thinking that I should start writing outright lies about my life. You know, to spice things up. And if anyone calls me on it, I’ll explain it’s because I have a wide stance.

Share
Posted in video

What Other Pot Can We Stir?

Welcome Heathen-Seeker! I really do appreciate all the traffic being funnelled my way by the website that sent you here. I don’t have any real plans to pimp my children out for the sake of a charity car wash, just in case that wasn’t clear. I don’t believe in car washes. On the other hand, I would allow any cute child of mine to open a charity lemonade stand on a busy street.

I kid!

No, I’m not about pimping my children. I’m not interested in short term rentals. The real money is in selling your children outright.

I kid again!

Here are important things that I would like to share with the hoard of Catholics (or is that a “pew of Catholics?”) wandering through the front door:

  • Dubble Bubble white gumballs are pineapple flavored.
  • Disney’s Meteos game boy game is very very hard so why make a Disney flavor that implies it’s for kids? The Winnie the Pooh level is a killer!
  • Mr. Dump made American Chop Suey for dinner. He’s my hero.
  • I wouldn’t be sad if Barry Bonds retired before breaking the record.
  • I’m confused. El Presidente said we were fighting this war to make America safer. So then why have the Al Qaeda reformed and possibly moved terror cells back into the US, putting us in the same danger we were pre-9/11 if…and I hesitate to even suggest it…the war in Iraq has nothing to do with Al Qaeda because the Iraqis didn’t have anything to do with 9/11?
  • CNN – you stink. What the hell is up with the new redesign? There is less branding (and useful information) on there now than there is on my website! And if you don’t cut the crap with the video-only stuff I’m going to scream. Don’t you even care about the millions of people who want to check the news at work and have video streaming blocked? I’m done with you. I’m going to have to go somewhere else to get my news and that’s a sad, sad thing.
  • The Vicar of Dibley – how come nobody told me about this show? I adore Dawn French!
Share
Posted in Uncategorized

Modern Day Annoyances

Mr. Dump called me from Aubachon Hardware (on Rt 12/North Main Street) to tell me that fire engines from 4 different communities appeared to be dealing with something near the Fitchburg line. Like near the MART garage. There was no smoke, but there were fire engines and ambulances.

There is no way on the planet to find out what is going on in a timely manner unless it’s some sort of MAJOR happening that gets picked up by the news wires. Nothing on the Telegram or Sentinel (no duh) websites either. Now for the latter, even if they had a reporter helping to put out a fire, it wouldn’t make their website until tomorrow afternoon. It really isn’t reporting “news,” it’s reporting “olds”.

Anyhoo, apparently there were lots of trucks and at least one was from Devens. That is some serious mutual aid if they’re sending fire trucks from Devens. And yet, I know nothing. He didn’t go near it, he had to go home and put the new spool of string on the trimmer. They discontinued our trimmer, doncha know. And Amazon said it could take one to four weeks to ship a replacement pack to us. Holy jungle cruise, Batman! In 4 weeks we won’t be able to locate the dog if he stands near the fence!

So these are my two complaints of the day:

  • I want every single piece of information that might impact me in any way to be instantly available on the Internet. Every day, all day.
  • Aubachon Hardware – why the hell have you allowed squatters to own your domain? What the hell?! They cannot possibly have a claim to [DON’T CLICK IT!] aubachonhardware.com. Geez, what a stupid move! How the hell are people supposed to find you if they cannot type in the most logical domain name? That’s it, I’m having Mr. Dump call them to yell at them.
Share