Here’s a little something I created yesterday. I’ll post the other one in a day or two. You know, spreading out the love.
Tag: funny
Building 19 Used Car Salesmen Supplies
On the off chance that you are looking for the “perfect” super ugly jacket to complete that zombie used car salesman costume you’ve been working on, Building 19 has a rack of some of the ugliest jackets I’ve seen in 30 years. Attached is a photo of my son modeling the “blue and peach striped 100% polyester” special. There is some major ugly on this rack (and the sign actually says “ugly jackets” for Halloween). Five bucks each, no questions asked. (We bought two. The red and black polyester hounds tooth makes my eyes water.)
Full disclosure: We went in there to look for a suit for my son’s magician costume. He wanted a tux, I said I wasn’t buying him one. On the “real” suit rack, right at the end, would you believe they had a “former rental” tux jacket with satin lapels for $20, and behind that a table with tux shirts (!) for $5? And the thing fits him like he was fitted for it. This place is better than the Salvation Army!
Best of the Dump Rerun
I’m pretending I’m a radio show with a week vacation. Here’s a re-run “Best of the Dump” from 2005…
What’s Lacking in My Life
You know what is seriously ticking me off right now? That nowhere, and I mean nowhere, am I referenced as “an important voice of [my] generation.” What the hell is up with that oversight? What do I have to do to fix this problem, anyway?
I’m going to write a book, and damn it, each and every one of you is going to buy 10 copies. You will send them out to people you know who live in foreign places west of 495 (like, even maybe Indiana or someplace freaky like that). Do you hear me? You people are just not holding up your end of the partnership!
First Day As Your Voice
Okay, so now that I am officially an important voice of my generation, I would just like to welcome you all here and offer you some leftover Girl Scout Cookies. I know what you’re thinking. “What is a leftover Girl Scout Cookie?” Right. Because such a thing does not normally exist in our universe. But I swear, they are GSCs and they are leftover. Actually, what happened is last year I hid a box and I didn’t actually find them until recently. I think it was last year. It might have been 2003. But I think they’re still good, because they aren’t green.
Okay, so now that we’re all cozy, I suppose I should take a poll about some of the things you find important, because as your official voice, I should know those things and be able to speak about them. Right? That’s part of the job description, no? If the list is good, maybe I’ll give it a whole chapter of my groundbreaking book of humorous essays that you are all going to be buying and distributing, along with the 2006 Magnetic Poetry Calendar with the June page proudly featuring my poem. So really, what I’m doing for you, in addition to being your voice, is helping you do all your holiday shopping 9 months early. No need to thank me, I can just see the gratitude in your smiling faces.
Whew. This is hard work. It’s a lot more responsibility than I thought. Can you guys pass the cookies?
Do Not Be Confused
It’s “Shark” week, not “Shart” week. I had to make this my Facebook status because it is important that people understand why my pants are all stained and stinky. I totally got the week wrong. Shart week is NEXT month. Duh. I do this every year.
Thank God for this box of baby wipes. Let’s hope the bag of prunes works its way out of my system sometime soon so I can get back to the serious business of running my worldwide tying-licorice-laces-into-bows empire.
The Horse I Wanted
Went horseback riding with my sister, her kids, their friend and my son. I knew they were going to have to give me a horse to fit my riding experience, so I picked this one. The kids all thought he was awesome. Unfortunately, they wouldn’t let me have this one. Instead I got something akin to a Clydesdale. I’m pretty sure Domino could have easily plowed the back 40. He knew he had an easy mark on his back and went out of his way to eat everything he saw. “Don’t let him eat anything!” Oh, easy for you to say. Domino disagrees with you!
