Posted in Real Life, Shopping, stuff

Cup Wars

You know how you can go years without buying a new travel mug, and then then universe decides to introduce space age travel mug technology, so you find yourself buying not one but two new $25 mugs? Me too.

I didn’t set out to buy two. I could hardly justify one. We were at The Paper Store, the local Hallmark-affiliated chain of gift stores, in July because I wanted to look at their scarves. And there was a sign in the window saying it was launch day for the 2017 Hallmark ornaments but we’re going to focus on the scarves, okay?

The Christmas music playing in the store as I looked for a beach-y scarf almost drove me out, but damned if I don’t love the stuff in that store. Really, their buyer is basically my soulmate. So as I spent 15 minutes attempting to make it from the scarf section to the register, a display of travel mugs catches my eye. Keeps drinks cold for 9 hours! Keeps coffee hot for 3! What is this spaceman technology?? The Corkcicle is expensive for a travel mug and I don’t know if Iย needย a new one. But my old one simply doesn’t give me the staying power these promise. Plus, I have a negative amount of self-control.

Later, a woman in an optometry office sold me on the lid of the Yeti travel mug, which is held by a magnet so easy to remove and clean. Done. Sign me up. I hate cleaning the slider part of travel mug lids.

So which one is better?

Interestingly, the Corkcicle kept coffee hotter longer, but the Yeti has a better lid (specifically the one with the magnetic close that you have to purchase separately.) The Yeti had better lid options – I’m not seeing replacement lids for sale for Corkcicle, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t available.

In the end, I kept the Corkcicle (and bought more) and gave the Yeti to my son. It’s still good, it just came in 2nd.

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Posted in humor, Shopping, stuff

Thanks, Amazon

Periodically I like to check to see what Amazon thinks it should recommend to me. I am a frequent shopper, more than I should be for convenience sake. I cannot afford a personal assistant so I make do with an Internet connection and a combination of the USPS, FedEx and UPS. 

I will admit I purchased some unusual items in preparation for my cruise. Unusual in that I normally don’t have much of a need for waterproof items, but I did a month or so ago. I also bought some items we were recommended to bring on the trip to decorate our cabin door. You know, not my normal dog food, camera equipment and makeup remover purchases.

Let’s see how that tweaked Amaxon’s recommendations for this March day: 

  
Okay. Emoji stamps and a Mother Goose hat. Date night has never looked more exciting, has it boys?

Now that I think about it, putting poop emojis on things at work would be a nice stress reliever. Hey! Cafeteria at work! More ๐ŸŸ๐Ÿบand ๐Ÿช and less๐Ÿ’ฉ! 

Let’s scroll down a little to see if it gets normal.

  
Guitar strap. Interesting assumption, that after buying all those cello accessories I might need a guitar strap for it. Taken under advisement.

But the piece de resistance is the High Quality No Pocket Unisex Uniform Vest. You guys got that recommendation too, right? That has to be exactly what all the cool moms are wearing to the office these days. I am just assuming there are people out there placing ordering for both vitamins AND kicking purple work vests. Because nothing says dedication to your role as a cog in the machine than a spur-of-the-moment decision to purchase a purple uniform vest independent of your job’s normal dress code. 

I think pairing it with the hat will really show them my promotability! I did a quick search and yes, I can also order my own name tag. I shall have my name and “Power-Mad Demagogue” etched underneath. I can’t wait to put the whole outfit together!

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Posted in humor, Real Life, Shopping, stuff

Adventures in Tequilaland

Last night Tom took me to Ixtapa Cantina for guacamole and I had a margarita that literally made my eyes stop working properly. [Thumbs up, El Presidente!] In the spirit of Christmas, he wrote down Jody quotes because fair is fair after I wrote the Michael quotes while he was on anesthesia.
We then went drunk shopping at Walmart, which I think was a ripoff because I didn’t find anything good to make him buy me. My next morning comments are in italics.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

[I tweeted these myself from the restaurant]

This margarita is made with cocaine or something. Oh my god who broke my eyes.

Oh my Hod two of you liked my tweet you guys are the ducking best. But not as good as these margaritas.

We’re gonna park in someone’s driveway and take pictures of their Christmas lights, like Americans. It is our right!

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน
I need you to be that guy who would steal a balloon from a 7 year old.

Mikey says [about Tom] “But he’s a nice guy!” Like that’s an excuse.

[about going to jail after he steals a balloon]
Shit. I’m gonna have to be in a lesbian relationship again.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

[About shopping for Tom’s daughter for Christmas She] needs drugs and cigarettes to trade in the big house.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

I’m cutting this like the Incredible Hulk. Did I eat lunch today?

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน
Dude you know what I could do with [$15,000]? Breasts up to here. Watch the Brady bunch. Teenage boobies.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

This is the greatest meal ever in possibly my entire life! [Takes another bite] It’s kinda salty.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

I just want to eat the outside shell of my burrito. It’s called a tortilla. The skin of my burrito.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

[Regarding my favorite musician/band (other than Jeff Lynne) Luce]
Luce’s first name is Tom. So you’ll just have to wonder if I ever call out that name.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

[Inside the restaurant] Can we take pictures of Christmas lights? Not In here.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

It’s not a good time of year to get those water balloon multiple thingies. And I should know.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

You know what would be the worst Christmas present? Wrapping paper. And thank you cards.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

Crotchless pants? Do they sell them at Walmart? Sweet! Not saying I’ve bought them before. At least at Walmart.
[I completely do not remember saying this one AT ALL.]

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

[spotting a skewer of Peeps]
Look! This is impaled peeps! Look they stabbed you and it makes it taste better.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

Can we buy a cello? My Amazon wish list is full of magical things.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

Look it’s resting bitch face Barbie!


๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

I love you. This lighting is very unflattering.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

Why didn’t you tell me my cleavage was showing?! And I’m not buttoning up. People will have to deal with my boobage.

๐Ÿน๐Ÿน๐Ÿน

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Posted in coolness, Real Life, Shopping, stuff

Expanding My Horizons

I recently added a cello to my Amazon wish list, because I think it’s good to learn you suck at as many things as humanly possible. Starting to feel cocky about yourself? Here, let’s see how you do with this set of oil paints, Vermeer. (See also: the tap shoes I bought myself.) 

This is the cello. 

  
Seriously, how COOL is that? I could hang it up as art when I invariably realize I’m not a cellist! 

That wishlist is more just a way to bookmark stuff I might buy myself later than a list I think people will actually use. I have zero expectation that my fan club members will pool the change in their car consoles to get me a home electrolysis system. I mean, unless my unsightly knee beard is really bothering them. Which, really, will be an interesting conversation that we must have as soon as I can find the time to spend with someone PRETENDING to be a fan. 

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Posted in complaint department, Real Life, Shopping

A Staples Death Rattle

Did you ever encounter a situation that was so unbelievably silly that you can’t even really get mad as it’s happening, but you get more and more angry about it later? Let me tell you a little story about my Staples adventure!

 

I had been thinking about getting an external keyboard for my iPad mini. Because my printer is low on black ink I ran to Staples and thought I’d see what they had. I’m kind of a Goldilocks when it comes to keyboards so I like to try them out.

 

I found the section with iPad keyboards pretty quickly. All the boxes had “Display Unit” on them (one box per brand/style) so I walked around looking for the display, which didn’t appear to be anywhere in the store.

 

Sales guy approached and I asked to see the keyboards.

 

“We used to have them on display but they took it away.” (Who is they, and why would they do that? And how is this a valid explanation for anything?)

 

“Oh, because the boxes all say ‘Display unit.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“…so there aren’t any in the boxes.”

 

“No.”

 

I wait a moment, because surely he’s going to help me, right? I’m pretty sure it’s his turn to offer up information.

 

But no.

 

“So I can’t even take one out of the box to try it because you literally don’t have any on the shelves.”

 

“Right.”

 

“Just empty boxes.”

 
“Sorry.”

 

Okay, Staples? How is this even remotely acceptable? Aren’t you in the business of selling things? ย What is this nonsense of filling shelves with empty display boxes? Watch me walk out the door and not come back the next time I need something tablet or computer related. Because “Display only” boxes with no display is one of the most stupid things I’ve run into in months. And I can go to Target or Walmart or Best Buy and get a damned keyboard and I’ll bet the boxes aren’t empty.

 

Also, train your sales “people” to anticipate my follow-up questions and not give a one word answer to a reasonable line of questions if you want us to bother driving to your store instead of just ordering things online.

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