Posted in complaint department, humor, stuff

I’m Too Young For This Shit

I know, the movie quote is “I’m too old for this shit” but really, my point is that I’m too young for it. I’m almost a baby! I’m pretty sure I just graduated from kindergarten a year or two ago. I remember we put cream in a Mason jar and everyone in the class took turns shaking the jar until we made butter. We made butter, I tell you! A group of 5 and 6 year olds! It was my single greatest accomplishment from my public school career. I don’t even think it was better than the time I made a terrarium in elementary school (during the same program where I learned how to decoupage and do macrame. Ahh, the 70s.) But wait, I am far too young to have ever been in school (or even BORN!) in the 70s!

You know what? Let’s forget I even mentioned it. Carry on.

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Posted in humor

Dora the Explorer Dinner Discussion

Quick disclaimer: I haven’t watched Dora in years. I haven’t ever watched the spin-off Go, Diego Go. Or whatever it’s called. But I used to watch Dora. My niece was obsessed, and in fact, one year she insisted I needed a Dora cake for my birthday. Which I did. I also didn’t do research to see if these plot holes were address (or raised) on other websites. This is actually a re-creation of a conversation between my son his friend (both middle-schoolers, represented below as “Boy” because I can’t remember who said what) and me at dinner last night.

[The conversation begins with one of them asking why people say Mazel Tov, which segued into asking what Cinco de Mayo means. Which segued into a question about the Day of the Dead, which featured a comment that Dora the Explorer had a show about going to Mexico for the  Day of the Dead. Or something.]

Boy: Dora lives somewhere in South America.

Me: I don’t think so. Pretty sure she’s American.

Boy: She hangs out with a Monkey, so she must live near a jungle.

Me: She doesn’t live in South America.

Boy: She’s from Mexico, originally, but she came over the border and her fox followed her.

Me: It’s not “her” fox. And no. He doesn’t even have an accent. What about the monkey?

Boy: She took it with her.

Me: You can’t just bring a Monkey into this country like that. It’s against the law. You can’t just go through a border check with a monkey and not get stopped.

Boy: She did. Where else would she get a monkey?

Me: ….

Boy: I still don’t think she lives in America.

Me: I’m just concerned that Boots will eventually chew her face off. I don’t think monkeys make good pets.

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Posted in humor, stuff, writing

My Loss is Your Gain

I entered a writing contest a month or so ago, to get a regular column on a fairly popular and trendy website. I liked the idea I had for the column, but I don’t think it was edgy enough. Or the sample column good enough to be brought forth on the national stage. Plus there were 1000 other people trying for the same 4 spots, and well, I may be pretty good, but out of a thousand people I would expect there to be four if not better, equal to me.

So I’ve decided to start writing up some of them and posting them here, possibly giving them a new heading up in the menu at the top. If you’re good.

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Posted in humor

Stuck In Traffic

Hey everyone. Sorry for not posting. I’ve been stuck in a traffic jam for the last 10 days and, well, you know AT&T coverage – it’s nothing if not spotty out here, so I apologize for the radio silence!

Sure, it seems unfathomable that a traffic jam would last 10 days, but you have to admit, we’re a persistent lot. I don’t want to leave my car to go look for food and shelter, because, what if the line starts to move? It could start to move any second, and I don’t want my car blocking the way.

I’ve been passing the time playing Angry Birds on my iPhone, writing in my journal, and trying to figure out how to poop without 10 miles of other people seeing me. That’s actually what most of my journal entries are about, to be honest. It’s riveting reading.

Luckily, we have plenty of food. Someone passed out Walmart sandwich meat and Hillandale Farms eggs. I think eating this food will take my mind off thoughts of going to the bathroom.

In the mean time, I’m going to go play some more Angry Birds. I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to finish level 3-6 any day now!

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Posted in humor

Who Are You?

I get personally offended when a website I have previously told to remember me treats me like a perfect stranger. Look, I told you to remember me. I TOLD you.

“Here’s my name, next time I’m here, remember me.”

“No problemo! I am so happy you’re here, I’m going to remember you so that the next time you stop by, you won’t have to remember what name you used to log in.”

“Cool! So when I come back in a few weeks, you’ll be like ‘hey! it’s you!”

“Absolutely!”

[two weeks later]

“Hey, it’s me!”

“And you are?”

“Me! Remember, I was just here! I gave you my name, told you to remember me, and you said you would!”

“I’ve never seen you before. Name Please.”

“But…but…”

“Name?”

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