Cubic Zirconia

June: Can we talk?!

CZ: Oh, wait, is that a dig at my participation in the Joan River’s Collection for QVC? Is that how you want to start things? Not by pointing out how gorgeous I am?

June: Me? dig? Never! I buy all my jewelry from television. Or Sears. Or Target.

CZ: I’ve got some nice pieces at Target. Picture this: a giant pink stone in a fake platinum setting. It sparkles like a friggin’ son-of-a-bitch. That ring kicks ass.

June: Uh…

CZ: Why buy a diamond, mined by slaves, when you can buy cubic zirconia created in factories that break very few employment and child labor laws.

June: Um…

CZ: And your friends are probably too stupid to tell the difference between a real stone and a fake one anyway. What are they going to do, grab your hand and try to etch glass with it?

June: No?

CZ: No! Let them think you’re a hot shot big city reporter swimming in cash. Go big — the bigger the better. If you wear a 10 carat cubic zirconia, they’ll assume it’s real because it looks too fake to be fake. Right? Am I right?

June: I guess you’re right.

CZ: You bet your ass I am.

June: You’re not as, well, delicate as I had expected.

CZ: Is that a problem? I look good, right?

June: Yes.

CZ: It’s all about looks, Honey. I look like a diamond. I act like a diamond. But I cost as much as a bag of Chips Ahoy.

June: Ah.

CZ: You know, I don’t think there’s anything more to say. [Gets up and leaves the interview]

June: Okay. Well, then, thanks for stopping by. Catch you in the clearance bins, Miss Also-ran!