Joan: An icon if there ever was one, welcome the official state toy of Pennsylvania… Slinky!
Slinky: Thank you!
Joan: I just couldn’t be more pleased. I’ve been a huge fan for years. And between you and me, you are the real deal. No plastic Slinkies for this journalist!
Slinky: Well, that’s very sweet of you, but I’m really okay with the plastic ones. In my 60 years on the market, I’ve seen a lot come and go, and I’m not worried about plastic. If you want a slinkity sound, though, you have to come to me.
Joan: Sixty years. What do you think makes you so long-lived?
Slinky: I’m pretty sure it has to do with the fact that I’m soothing. I can be very relaxing, don’t you think?
Joan: Well, other than when you get all knotted up…
Slinky: That’s user error! You can’t hold me responsible when people don’t play properly. It’s not my fault if stupid kids throw me around or try to make a necklace out of me.
Joan: Um, well–
Slinky: And then the little animals pull me to see how far I’ll stretch, and get all “boo hoo” when I don’t snap back to my former tight, compact shape. That infuriates me beyond reason. I mean, it’s just like your boobs–
Joan: Excuse me?
Slinky: Your boobs. Look at ’em. You stretch ’em out when you have kids, they aren’t going to snap back. They’re going to hang down around your waistband.
Joan: Are you criticizing my breasts?
Slinky: No, I’m just saying you and I are a lot alike. Stretch and pull me too far and whoomp, I might as well be 50-year-old honkers.
Joan: Hello? I’m not 50!
Slinky: Sure. Anyway, if any of the kids out there want to read more about me, remember to visit the Poof-Slinky, Inc., website.
Joan: Poof-Slinky?
Slinky: Look, don’t go there. I can’t help that the company that owns me now was named Poof. It has nothing to do with me personally, I can tell you that. I am 100% red-blooded American hetero.
Joan: Red-blooded? You’re made out of steel. And you’re a toy… you don’t have a sexual orientation.
Slinky: Riiiiight. How do you think I know so much about saggy breasts?
Joan: But if anything, “fun for a girl and a boy” sort of implies–
Slinky: Look at the time. It’s been lovely chatting with you. Remember kids, I’m available in pretty much every store on planet Earth! Buy me today!
