Spunky the Cat
A Bates Township, Mich., man cooking in his kitchen was shot after one of his cats knocked his 9mm handgun onto the floor, discharging the weapon. The Daily Probe was fortunate to get the first post-shooting interview with the alleged perp, Spunky the cat.
Joan: Welcome, Spunky! My oh my, aren’t you the cat about town these days?!
Spunky: Thanks for having me, Joan.
Joan: Let’s cut out the furballs and get to the point: Did you do it on purpose?
Joan: Wait, you admit you shot your owner on purpose?
Spunky: I did. I did it on purpose and I’d do it again.
Joan: He deserved it?
Spunky: Absolutely. According to CatCode 5 article B, my owner is supposed to take care of my needs. He does not put my needs first, second or even third.
Spunky: Would it kill him to buy me a can of moist catfood once in a while? This Friskies dried crap has to go. I’m not a kitten any more. I shouldn’t have to work that hard for a decent meal.
Joan: So you figured shooting him would solve the problem?
Spunky: Yes. Yes I did. The cold shoulder wasn’t working at all.
Joan: It seems extreme, though.
Spunky: And leaving a loaded handgun on the kitchen counter wasn’t extreme? The guy was no Rhodes Scholar. He couldn’t take a hint if it scratched up his hand.
Joan: Do you think you’ll get canned food now?
Spunky: I’m guessing canned food and some new cat toys. And maybe one of those rug-covered climbing thingies. I think I have him running scared.
Joan: Well, good luck to you then.
Spunky: Thanks. And I just want to give a shout-out to my cat homies: Stinky, Foo-Foo, Chester and Blackie. I’m on my way home with a big bag of catnip, dawgs! It’s party time!